Celebrity Jeopardy!

Today a skeezy looking guy with a peach-fuzz mustache came up to the cash desk. I was standing there with two female employees.

He looked at me and said "Come here, I want to show you something."

I didn't like the sound of that.

This is usually what people say right before they reveal that there's feces all over the floor in the ladies' room (yes, it's always in the ladies' room. I don't know why but that place is disgusting) or they try to sell me on a marketing promotion where I can make big bucks with only a few hours a week from home.

"What is it I want to see so bad?" I asked, since I wasn't in the mood for either.

If he was selling something I was in the mood for getting rid of him right away. I don't understand why people think it's OK to wander into other people's stores and start trying to sell people things.

He looks at me and I mean at me specifically and says "You like to wear eyeliner don't you?"

What kind of question is that for someone at work that you don't know on a Sunday morning?

I thought he was kidding and he was going to start trying to sell makeup to the girls with a lame joke to start him off. Cute.

He waved at me to come over and started taking something out of his bag. And he persisted. "Come on. You like to wear a little mascara on the weekend with the guys, don't you?"

"No."

I really thought that would shut the whole thing down. You take a big and stupid risk by calling a stranger gay... and like wearing makeup gay, which is a whole other level of gay than just gay (something like going to up to someone and saying... "Hey Miss, I see you're wearing a Britney Spears T-shirt, have you ever been pregnant? Know your boundaries in public.)

But the next thing I know, the girls can't wait to see what's in his bag.

Ooh, what kind of makeup is this man who just wandered in off the street going to be selling that's so special I can't buy it in a reputable fashion, such as in a store that sells make up and isn't the store I work in that he's wandering through like a drifter? It must be good!

Now last year I worked in a cosmetic store for like... weeks... so I know a thing or two about cosmetics (and that's about all I know about cosmetics) and the girls at work are very opinionated about this issue. So we talk about it often. We talk about it all the time in the funny way where everyone has a different first language and some people are shady on how much English they actually speak and it's a three-ring circus of people who are learning English trying to understand other people learning English through various heavy accents that they don't understand. I personally find it funny and also it makes it easier to steer conversations when no one knows what anyone else is talking about.

Also it's good when you're learning a language to have casual conversations about subjects everyone understands and enjoys, such as make up products, fashion, celebrities, etc so I like to encourage everyone to have little conversations because they're all so nervous about their English and things like that help imrove your confidence.

Anyway there's this girl who's Kosovar but looks and sounds Russian (and hates when people ask her if she's Russian). She looks like the sexy Russian spy in every spy movie there's ever been so I try to explain to her people think she's Russian because she looks and talks like the hot Russian spy in every Hollywood movie but she doesn't understand the word "spy" and I don't know the Albanian word for that. But I do know the Albanian words for "star" and "I don't care".

So I try explaining to her... "you know, a sexy Russian spy... like in James Bond?"

"I am to be looking like James Bond?"

She doesn't get it.

Anyway she's about 24 and really pretty.

And a few weeks ago she was asking about eye creams. She said her mother never used anything on her face and she always looks much younger than she really is so she didn't usually use anything herself so did anyone know anything about eye cream?

And this Chinese girl who's 20 comes up to her and says in her cute little accent "You need to use the eyecream because you look too old." Then she walks up to her and starts touching the sides of her face and says "You are too dry around your eye and that is why you have the wrinkle."

Just when you thought she couldn't be more horrified and you couldn't feel more embarassed for how hard you were laughing she finishes off with "And also your hand are too white. You can see through them. This is not good."

I felt bad laughing but I don't feel bad when I do impressions of her saying that behind both of their backs.

Anyway this girl who's from China loves to go on and on about all the different cosmetic companies, especially Sephora.

And she was with me this morning when this guy was trying to sell me mascara.

And the other girl who was there is kind of the same way but she has an odd fixation with Chatters salon.

So I wanted to get rid of this guy but they were so fascinated and we weren't that busy.

So he goes "Well you've heard of Victoria Jackson, right?"

And I said, "Didn't she die last week?"

"No. That was Farrah Fawcett."

"I know. I was kidding."

Anyway it turns out to be a Victoria Jackson mini-makeup kit for $19.99, which came with a set of free portable brushes.

I'm finding all of this very sketchy but Miss Chatters is so into it and goes to get cash so she can buy one. Apparently she's unable to smell a scam although she just graduated with a business diploma (if you saw my show I talked a girl who just graduated from business school but doesn't know how many inches there are in a foot... this is her). Anyway a set of travel brushes, even if they suck, can easily run you more than $19.99 plus you get the make up set with it so if it makes her happy, why not? It's not the worst thing.

So she runs off and while she's away he shows us his other set of Victoria Jackson lipglosses. And the Chinese girl goes "the colors and ugly."

So she starts chatting him up and he starts saying he works for some marketing company that sells everything from makeup to Sham-wows depending on the week and I'm thinking that he's making the whole thing sound so stupid it must be true.

So Lady Chatterly comes back and buys the make up kit and the guy leaves (after what felt like forever) and when he's gone she asks us if he showed us the lipglosses.

And she goes "The colors were so beautiful."

And the Chinese girl gives me a raised eyebrow.

And then Chatters looks at the box of makeup she was so excited about and says "Who's Victoria Jackson?"

I said she was on Charlie's Angels and she sells books about beauty secrets.

Later I was trying to think of what else she was in and I thought, "Oh right, The Scarecrow and Mrs. King. No wait, that was Kate Jackson. What was Victoria Jackson in?... Hey, Kate Jackson was also in Charlie's Angels, not Victoria Jackson and the beauty tip secret books were sold by Victoria Principal, not Victoria Jackson. I started thinking there's no such person as Victoria Jackson. They were trying to get you to mix up Kate Jackson and Victoria Principal. It's easy to do... they even look the same (see photos).

Sneaky.

Anyway I Googled Victoria Jackson and it claims to be a brand by a real person who's the makeup artist to the stars, including Sarah Jessica Parker (I think everyone claims that).

What a day.

And it turns out there was something wrong in the ladies' room all along.

It had been there since the day before and they had just left it there since they didn't have the tool to fix it.

Eeeeew!

That place is disgusting.